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Archive for the tag “negativity”

Finding Your Independence

At the beginning of the year I wrote about a friendship break-up.  After approximately 6 weeks of not speaking to one of my girlfriends she sent me a text and we ended up talking again(we will call her Ms Dependent).  I have mixed feelings about the reasons why I decided to let her back into my life. At this point I have learned to not let her venting effect me the way it use to but she still frustrates me.  It really isn’t just her venting but how she seems to want others to feel sorry for her.  She tells her problems to any sympathetic ear and will even go as far as to ask for advice but unfortunately she never takes it.  Her problems range from dealing with her boyfriend and kids, stress at work, and all the different ailments she seems to have mounting…I understand everyone has their issues but she can be exhausting.

When I considered all the things she would tell me about I felt sorry for her.  I took her side when she would tell me situations with her boyfriend or the kids but now I find myself thinking…stop with the negativity & complaining and do something about it!  I guess as I write this I realize that accepting her back into my life was probably a mistake.  I tried to set guidelines to the friendship but of course those have been crossed too many times to count by now.  As much as I hate to admit it she just seems to have a negative effect on me.

I have worked hard to be a more positive person and establish healthy routines in my life.  I want to surround myself with friends who really listen, learn and want to better themselves.  I can look at other friends and see where they have removed themselves from jobs that make them unhappy or relationships that are unhealthy.  These women are not afraid to make decisions for themselves in order to find happiness.  They are not afraid to take action and take risks even if it means times may be hard for a while.   Then I look at Ms Dependent and I see a woman who is scared of change or taking a risk.  Ms Dependent is just that… too dependent on her current lifestyle.  So instead of doing something to find her happiness she just complains endlessly about her current situation.

There was a time when I completely related to her because I was in the same boat.  I kept wishing someone would come along and make it all better. Finally, one day I realized that the only person that can make things better is me.  At one time I had issues with my job, my relationship and my health just like her… I wasn’t happy.  After the first big step of getting a divorce I steadily began proving to myself that I was capable of taking care of myself.

At this point I have accomplished so many things, like taking continuing education courses that have made me more valuable in my career.  I kept putting off surgery that I needed because I didn’t have health insurance but I did my research and ended up paying for it on my own.  I have saved money and  now I have health insurance and I even set up a Roth IRA and life insurance policy. I have received support along the way but at this point I have paid my debts and can honestly say that I can fully support myself.

With each passing year I add to my education and stability a little bit more. It isn’t always easy to sacrifice and sometimes I let my wants outweigh my needs. My goal is to surround myself with happy, successful people who are on the same path of self fulfillment.  What is it they say…Birds of a feather flock together.  Unfortunately, after all this time, I do not see Ms. Dependent doing any of these things and yet again I realize how much I have outgrown my friendship with her.

So as my independence grows I know in my heart that I am moving on.  I will do my best to accept her and not judge.  I know eventually our paths will only take us further apart. The best word to describe my feelings is frustration. I  had hoped she would be a person I could grow with because we were once in the same place in life and both so eager to find our independence. I know that God puts people in our lives for a reason and she was my closest friend at that time in my life.  She was going through the same thing and it was nice to be able to relate to someone but I am no longer that person.  Sadly, she seems to be stuck in that same place. I have learned many lessons and taken advice and I am happier and healthier than ever. I can no longer wait for her to move forward with me, I must move forward even if that means leaving her behind.

Anger Management

I must admit there have been some seriously upsetting revelations recently in my life. The eye-opening information has left me a bit upset to say the least. I have always believed that emotions are healthy but in the past few years I have really tried to focus more on the positive. I think the more you give your attention to the negative the more negativity you bring into your life. With that being said I have to admit that letting out your negative feelings is definitely better than holding it in.  It cannot be healthy to go around pretending everything is hunky-dory when it isn’t.  I mean if someone has wronged you and you have something to say about it, isn’t it better to get it off your chest?

I have been really tired lately, like I need a gallon of Red Bull kind of tired. I believe my can’t drag my ass out of bed attitude is because I have something seriously eating at me.  I have really tried to let it go but I can’t.  I ended a friendship recently because it had become very negative. I started to feel guilty and considered reaching out to this friend after a month had went by. Then her boyfriend mentions how wonderful their relationship has been since we haven’t been talking.  The way he said it made it obvious that he was blaming me for all their relationship problems.

At first I thought when he said thank you for not talking to her anymore that maybe he knew her negativity was a problem.  That when I ended the friendship she finally realized how bad it had become so she changed her ways in fear of losing all those close to her.  But as I sat there at my desk it dawned on me that he truly felt I was an instigator and the cause of their problems. I began to wonder, just what the hell she was telling him each time she got off the phone with me?

She often called to vent about something he said or did to upset her and I would listen and give my opinion. Usually I would start with supportive advice but she would continue to say awful things about him…”he is a snake, I can’t trust him, he is a liar”…so finally I would tell her if she is so miserable and unhappy she should just leave.  To this day I stand behind all the advice I have given her.  However, I can’t help but have the sneaky suspicion she twisted it when she would talk to him.  His recent comment seems to confirm this.

Their relationship started out on the wrong foot from day one but I have remained a friend to her until this year. I still care about her but we agreed to go our separate ways after I told her I couldn’t take the negativity anymore.  Now I am really beginning to realize that everything really does happen for a reason.  How can they blame me for all their relationship problems?  I am not such a powerful person that simply by talking on the phone to her I have kept their relationship in turmoil for 5 years!  So this is where the anger starts to set in.

It has been a little over a week since he made his comment and I still can’t let it go. I want to confront him and her both and set the record straight but then I worry that I may just invite more negativity into my life. I went to my friends and oh so wise boyfriend for advice and most of them advised that I should just let sleeping dogs lie.  I must manage my anger and keep with my original goal, focus on the positive. 

So after a week of stewing over being accused of something I know is not my fault I am going to let it go. I am not going to attempt to confront him or her because I know it will not do any good. Past experience has already proved that giving her advice is pointless and telling him all that she said would only make me the bad guy for real. I know I am not an instigator and I was a good friend to her but I no longer feel guilty for ending the friendship.  I gave good advice to her and in turn I have received good advice from my friends on this situation.  What comes around really does go around and that rule applies to all of us.

So one month or six months from now when their relationship is on the rocks again I won’t be around to blame. I will keep my opinions and advice to myself and I will not go out of my way to set the record straight and defend myself. I will move forward and focus on the positive. As I focus on the positive in my life I will manage that bit of anger by taking comfort in the sweet revenge of karma and let time prove my point for me. The only action I plan to take is to move forward staying positive and no longer feeling a bit angry…but simply a bit wiser.

There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot. Plato

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