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Archive for the tag “friendship”

Finding Your Independence


At the beginning of the year I wrote about a friendship break-up.  After approximately 6 weeks of not speaking to one of my girlfriends she sent me a text and we ended up talking again(we will call her Ms Dependent).  I have mixed feelings about the reasons why I decided to let her back into my life. At this point I have learned to not let her venting effect me the way it use to but she still frustrates me.  It really isn’t just her venting but how she seems to want others to feel sorry for her.  She tells her problems to any sympathetic ear and will even go as far as to ask for advice but unfortunately she never takes it.  Her problems range from dealing with her boyfriend and kids, stress at work, and all the different ailments she seems to have mounting…I understand everyone has their issues but she can be exhausting.

When I considered all the things she would tell me about I felt sorry for her.  I took her side when she would tell me situations with her boyfriend or the kids but now I find myself thinking…stop with the negativity & complaining and do something about it!  I guess as I write this I realize that accepting her back into my life was probably a mistake.  I tried to set guidelines to the friendship but of course those have been crossed too many times to count by now.  As much as I hate to admit it she just seems to have a negative effect on me.

I have worked hard to be a more positive person and establish healthy routines in my life.  I want to surround myself with friends who really listen, learn and want to better themselves.  I can look at other friends and see where they have removed themselves from jobs that make them unhappy or relationships that are unhealthy.  These women are not afraid to make decisions for themselves in order to find happiness.  They are not afraid to take action and take risks even if it means times may be hard for a while.   Then I look at Ms Dependent and I see a woman who is scared of change or taking a risk.  Ms Dependent is just that… too dependent on her current lifestyle.  So instead of doing something to find her happiness she just complains endlessly about her current situation.

There was a time when I completely related to her because I was in the same boat.  I kept wishing someone would come along and make it all better. Finally, one day I realized that the only person that can make things better is me.  At one time I had issues with my job, my relationship and my health just like her… I wasn’t happy.  After the first big step of getting a divorce I steadily began proving to myself that I was capable of taking care of myself.

At this point I have accomplished so many things, like taking continuing education courses that have made me more valuable in my career.  I kept putting off surgery that I needed because I didn’t have health insurance but I did my research and ended up paying for it on my own.  I have saved money and  now I have health insurance and I even set up a Roth IRA and life insurance policy. I have received support along the way but at this point I have paid my debts and can honestly say that I can fully support myself.

With each passing year I add to my education and stability a little bit more. It isn’t always easy to sacrifice and sometimes I let my wants outweigh my needs. My goal is to surround myself with happy, successful people who are on the same path of self fulfillment.  What is it they say…Birds of a feather flock together.  Unfortunately, after all this time, I do not see Ms. Dependent doing any of these things and yet again I realize how much I have outgrown my friendship with her.

So as my independence grows I know in my heart that I am moving on.  I will do my best to accept her and not judge.  I know eventually our paths will only take us further apart. The best word to describe my feelings is frustration. I  had hoped she would be a person I could grow with because we were once in the same place in life and both so eager to find our independence. I know that God puts people in our lives for a reason and she was my closest friend at that time in my life.  She was going through the same thing and it was nice to be able to relate to someone but I am no longer that person.  Sadly, she seems to be stuck in that same place. I have learned many lessons and taken advice and I am happier and healthier than ever. I can no longer wait for her to move forward with me, I must move forward even if that means leaving her behind.

Friendship Breakup


I have to admit I have never really found any girlfriends as great as the friends I had when I was in school.  A few years ago when I went through my divorce I thought I found a long lasting friendship, but when I look back now I know it was never meant to last.  How do you know when you have outgrown a friendship?  I recently had to ask myself this question and the answers for me were obvious.  It was definitely time to breakup!

I have tried to gradually pull away from this particular friend in the past because I could feel how her negative rants were beginning to effect me.  I even found myself taking on her thought process and applying it to my own relationship, which was never good. I believe the only reason we have remained friends this long is because she needed a sympathetic ear and in turn it made me feel wise and needed.  So for a while the friendship worked but in the last year it has progressively gotten worse.  I found myself trying to be the sympathetic ear on a weekly basis, giving the same advice over and over. The fun stuff like drinks after work and our lunch and dinner dates were all consumed with conversation about her awful relationship.  Then she stopped attending any invites and basically just called, emailed or text me with all her problems. I was nothing more than her ranting tree and I felt used up and frustrated. At one point I even pointed it out and she apologized but the very next day it started all over again!

Her monthly emotional break-downs have become more frequent and the good times have become nonexistent.  Basically it has become an unhealthy relationship and I am the only one who seems to notice.  I came to a  point where I had nothing nice left to say.  So I decided to end the friendship  which feels a lot like breaking up with a boyfriend.  I told her that I wish her luck on trying the same old crap over and over and expecting different results.  I went on to say she is crazier than a outhouse rat if she thinks that she is ever going to change him and not to come crying to me in 3 weeks when she starts this emotional roller coaster ride all over again!

That is not the exact words I used but pretty close.  The fact that I didn’t feel any since of guilt afterward made it even more clear that I had indeed outgrown the friendship. The next day I kept expecting to feel a bit regretful but instead I felt like a weight had been lifted.  She simply said she was sorry and that I was her best friend.  As I sit here writing this I think….of course I was her best friend, nobody else would have put up with that craziness!  All the times she cried to me that she was a fool for staying with this guy and I am thinking that I was the fool for listening to her cry about the same crap for 4 years!  I started feeling drained and depressed after each conversation.  I do hope she finds her happiness but not at the risk of mine…     

So as part of my fresh start for the new year I have decided to not only declutter my home and detox my body but also detox my relationships. Closing the door on a friendship is not always easy but I have been missing the person I originally became friends with for a while now. People change and unfortunately not always for the better.

Refer to this article that explains in detail the “dark side of friendship”….

http://womenonthefence.com/2010/01/13/the-dark-side-of-friendship/#more-2208

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